


(Don't) Eat Your Veggies

by spikesgirl58



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2014-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-23 00:41:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2527628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spikesgirl58/pseuds/spikesgirl58
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not just the puns that are explosive in this affair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Don't) Eat Your Veggies

 

 

They’d been working at this produce stand for a week now waiting for THRUSH to pull something, anything. UNCLE had Professor Omato under guard, but Waverly was sure their old enemy would make a move to capture this secret weapon. Right now Napoleon would relish even the smallest hint of action.

Napoleon glanced at Illya. The man had been busy working on something for the best part of hour. “What are you up to, Illya?”

“It was something the professor said and it got me to thinking. I’m trying to get to the root of it now.”

Napoleon noticed that they had gained the attention of a couple of men, men that triggered an all too familiar tickle at the back of his neck. Softly, he murmured. “I think we have official visitors, IK.”

Illya let his eyes slide sideway and nodded his agreement. “Finally they turn up. I was beginning to think we’d lost our touch.”

Louder, Napoleon said, “So what are you doing?”

“We had all these vegetables left over from that little… experiment that we had to get rid of, so…” Illya held a platter out for Napoleon’s inspection. “I made this. What do you think?”

A terrifying skeletal face glared at Napoleon and he caught his breath. It was totally comprised of pieces of vegetables. “I think you’ll give kids nightmares for a week. Let us get rid of it… quickly.” Napoleon tried to look nervous. “You know what Professor Omato said about those veggies.”

“I know, but it seems a shame to just throw them out, especially with knowing what they are capable of.”

“They’re too dangerous!”

“Only if someone sets them on fire.” Illya studied the platter. “Too much?” Illya’s shoulders sagged in pseudo-disappointment.

“Much, too much. In the wrong hands…” Napoleon let the sentence hang.

“Well, back to the drawing board. I was sure I had it right this time.”

“Wait… are you going to destroy that?” One man approached Illya and smiled, showing off tobacco-stained teeth.

“I was going to, yes.”

“Could I have it? I’d be glad to pay for it and everything.”

“We couldn’t do that,” Napoleon interrupted. “It’s just these vegetables are… off.”

The second man opened his jacket and displayed his shoulder holster and weapon. “We _insist_.”

“Oh!” Napoleon waved his hand frantically. “Oh… just take it!” He mustered as much of a panic stricken look as possible.

“Wait, that’s not--” Illya started to protest, but fell silent at the gunman’s glare. The men hurried off.   Once they were out of sight. “I can’t believe they really bought it.”

“Well, in a manner of speaking.”

“They really need to start breeding a better class of THRUSH.”

“What happens when they try to burn those vegetables?”

“They’ll turn black and be inedible.” Illya’s smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “The platter, on the other hand…” Illya made a gesture with his fingers and made a noise.

“Dangerous?”

“Molded C-4. If they…” The explosion rocked the small market. “Were to burn the vegetables on it, it would do that.”

“And no more THRUSH.”

“I think they will write this affair off and lettuce face it there isn’t mushroom in the business for failure.”

“Oh, Illya…” Napoleon groaned, even as a cop car pulled up. “I should have you arrested for that.”

The Russian grinned widely. “It was a bit corny, wasn’t it?”

Napoleon sighed. “You are just so filled with melondrama that I can’t stand it.” He grinned back. “Now if you will excuse me, I will let Mr. Waverly know that can again be peas on Earth. And then, as a reward for dealing with this assignment, I am going to paint the town with that firecracker, Professor Omato. First name Tessie.”

“You don’t mean…?”

“Yup, she’s one hot tomato.”

 

 

 


End file.
